Plateau – iii

Pause Donna, look around this plateau, take in the peace from the release of writing. See the cats snuggled, sleeping. See the warm glow of the bedside lamp. Feel the soft sheets, the supportive pillows. Hear the clicks and hums of the quiet evening.

Continue Donna… there is peace after looking… clarity, peace in letting this past settle. You’ve got the strength now… continue…

Three days with my love. Stroking his scalp, rubbing his calves and feet, playing with his hands, his fingers. Watching… oh watching. Life, are you here? That twitch… is that you life? What do I believe is real? What may I hope for? Has death truly come for my love? This can’t be happening? Another minute and those eyes will brighten. Another hour and that mouth will speak. Another day and my love will return. Another day… right?

Three days with my love. I see the horrors of dying. Unusual body movements from the muscles tightening. Vomiting from the stomach shutting down. The blank stare of brain damaged eyes. Those beautiful blue eyes. Groans from air escaping those lungs. Are you hurting? Are you feeling this misery? Any of it? Oh God, I can’t watch another moment… Randy can’t endure another moment…

Monday morning, February 1, 2021. Mondays are for moving slow, waking to the week, bemoaning the loss of the weekend, possibilities of a new week. This Monday was for Randy’s passing, death, release. I knew absolutely. I’ve written before of this moment, the surety, the peacefulness, promise received, guiding Randy across, watching his spirit carried out, his excitement in his release, and the presence of his Dad and sister.

I haven’t written of the collapse of Donna. Okay Donna, deep breaths… cry if needed. This wrenching moment must be released. Let it go and settle Donna. This will help, you’ll see. Calm and peace always follow the release of writing. Write now, before you run…

A moment… full of anticipation.. or.. dread. How do you walk away from your love of 30 years? Your love, who you just want to talk with forever. A time is set for me to leave. I hold his hands tight for two hours, not ever wanting to let go. But a time is set…

Donna, 2:30 has arrived. Let go of Randy’s hands. NOOOO… Stand, straighten his blanket… Kiss his forehead… Rub his hair back… TURN… I can’t see… Put on your sweater… Pick up your belongings, Randy’s belongings… Kiss Randy’s forehead again… Say goodbye… what?.. Walk to the door… I CAN’T… open the door… NOOOOOO… walk to the nurse… tell her goodbye…

A moment. Ordinary moments are the best, as they don’t follow you through time. Cherished moments bring heart smiles. This moment… I need to forget; it torments me, stabs me again and again. The walk from Randy’s bedside to the waiting car was the moment I wish no one. Every ounce of me except the pulling ounce, wants to crawl to his side and never leave. My legs carried me as I died with each step. I can do this… I can do this… I can do this… I CAN’T DO THIS… My back to death, my face to life.

Life? where are you? This valley of death doesn’t want to release me. I look around and only see tall, steep cliffs that I can never escape. I CAN’T DO THIS…

God, help me… God, help me… God, help me…

D o n n a…. do you hear me? Deep breaths… look up from this calm plateau. Dark sky, stars, wispy clouds. Hear the cat sipping water. Hear the hum of the laptop. See the warm glow of the bedside lamp again. You’re safe… let this story go… calmness returns…

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