The River of Life

Looking back on December… wow, what a hard hard month for me. I see now, that I have expectations, no not expectations, but high hopes for Christmas. My ideal, and my dream, is to have my immediate family together, laughing, enjoying each other, with lots of love.

But reality is that Randy is dead, S is searching and rejecting me, M is isolated and not needing the closeness, and Me alone. The whole month I fought this truth, sought a way to change this reality, bemoaned the loss loudly within my soul, and screamed to God… WHY…

What I expect or even dream or hope, is always different than what is right now. This present moment is rarely appreciated by me, yet in 10 years I know that I’ll bemoan not being this age. I believe that I have valid dreams to hope, still my dreams are not what is me right now.

My immediate needs of shelter, food, clothing, finances, health, warmth, sleep… yes these needs are met and thankfulness abounds in me for the provision of these needs. God has supplied abundantly beyond all my imaginings.

Then I find comparing my circumstances to other’s circumstances, is just discounting everything for me. The pain and loneliness within me are real, regardless of what others experience. My heart cries for and reaches out to others, in recognition of the universal pain all humans experience.

Yet when this pain subsides and gives me a respite of peace, I’m able to see an expanded view. The continuity of life.. and death. Childhood, teens, young adult, wife, mother, employee.. all the expanding and seeking and growing of younger life. But admittedly, younger life is behind me.. I see this now. Today I am 66 years of age… 66 full years of living on this earth. My Randy had 61 full years of living on this earth. He no longer can bemoan the losses, and aging, and changes that life here brings. I do believe that he is excited and busy and loved in a realm that I can’t even imagine. But the point I need to know, is that life here on earth is going to end for me. When? How? No idea, but most definitely, the life I know is going to end.

And that’s my point to let sink in… for now I see, that the childhood joys, the excitement of being a teen and young adult, the connection of becoming a wife and mother, and the purpose in being an employee… all those young life endeavors, all those moments are already dead. Truly dead. Many say to me that memories are warm and bring joy… and in remembering with another this can be true, yet for me alone, memories bring loss, for those moments are dead.

Richard Rohr’s book “Falling Upward” is calling me… I need to see what contemplatives say about this older half of life.

So in this respite of peace, I am calm and can look more objectively. Maybe the lesson is to pray for peace, for that is when calmness and open mindedness find me. Yet again, the pain is the teacher, for without it, I might never see clearly.

No, the leading today is showing me that I am entering the older phase of life, that all the moments that have gone before are dead, only today presents to me life; and then today is challenging me to float with this river of life rather than camping along the shores. Can I truly say goodbye to all that is past? Can I truly say YES to what is now? Can I truly say whatever comes, I will float along? Admittedly right now, my answer is NO I cannot give myself completely over to this life flow… yet, I sense the loosening of the grip it has over me, and I sense my movement to leave the camps of memory and hopes and expectations.

We bury our dead, or scatter their ashes, or as me we keep the ashes close. Today I see that the time has come for me to not bury or scatter or hold close all those moments… today is my time to utterly say, good-bye and thank you... my back to death, my face to life.

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