Lesson learned: when returning home from a fun, refreshing trip, expect a big crash. Yep, I returned from family, friends, fun, laughter, and forest walks, to a house that’s now holding me alone with memories and hauntings of an old life with Randy. I sure did crash. For two days, I just couldn’t stop crying… deep, gut wrenching pain. Thankfully my nearby cousin and toddler had me for dinner yesterday and helped me to connect to love again.
Love does surround me, but I do need the tangible hugs, chats, smiles and encouragement. I ask God often, am I a failure for His love not being enough for me? Am I weak for wanting a partner? Am I not clinging to God as He wants? I am doing my best, very best, to focus, listen, follow, trust God. I am human too. God knows how to reach us humans, and has met me miraculously through this season of loss. And now, my partner space is empty and I fall in and drown. God, please help me to walk on water, or at least swim, through this pain.
Today I woke a bit stronger and with a spark of joy. I put on my prettiest summer dress, and cutest earrings, and comfy shoes and ran errands. While grocery shopping I realized, this is my life now. Alone. My eating and cooking habits are different now. My time management is different, as no one is waiting for me anywhere. I didn’t fall apart at this realization… rather it just settled on me.
Okay… maybe I’ll be okay.
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