I now admit that I play games with time. Knowingly silly, but yet this persists. A good day: please God let this day go slow and last forever. A bad day: please God let this day fly by. An ordinary day: please God bring a fun day quick. Randy’s death day: please God don’t let him suffer, if he must go, take him quickly.
Recently my request is: please God, let these painful days subside and new days of adventure, fun, mission, joy arrive quickly.
Yes, this is my escaping the day, the moment, and dreaming of the future; my grasping rather than letting this moment be. Racing through my days to… not here.
These last several weeks have been facing memories head-on: remembering, reminiscing, feeling, anguishing, releasing. Embracing that past has finally come to me, still with sorrow and pain, but also with love and gratefulness. I never thought this phase would arrive for me, yet here am I. The days of avoiding my past have gone. God’s timing… certainly not mine.
And with this release, I’m now grasping, dreaming, the future: what lies ahead God? what adventure, mission, joy, companionship, community? Again, a reaching, for my present feels discontented.
Today, now… may I see you full of life, joy, peace, God… for truly you are all these and more. If I wish away these moments, life may fly by without my notice. What an empty life that would be. So today, I again choose life, my back to death my face to life, and look at my now to let it sink in, within my being.
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