I’m an introvert: I love a day at home alone, focused on projects, gardening, or numbing with tv, and carefully scheduled friend time and calls. Well, this was me, who I used to be. Death changed all that.
I’m now an introvert who says “yes” to every opportunity to get out of this house, visit or chat. How did I get here? Death. Death changed me. For better or worse, depends on who YOU are. I liked the old me, says this new me. And this extending of self is two sided: excited for a chance to be with people, but dread in knowing that I’ll walk away with this partner vacuum continuing to gnaw at me.
Death of a partner brings extreme loneliness. Anguishing loneliness that neither friends, family, neighbors, or strangers can begin to fill. When half your world is ripped away, your world wobbles out of sync to a big, thunderous crash. I crashed… my thoughts gave up… my gut pushed… my spirit cried to God.
I’m too old. I’m not that old. I’m broken. I’ll heal. No one can be Randy. Someone can be themselves. Boredom looms. Adventure awaits. Hiding away. Exploring possibilities. This is my dual mind, bouncing around thinking it can plan my life. Ugh… no wonder anxiety plagues me.
God’s calm has calmed me. I’ve chosen to live. And that involves saying “yes” to opportunity. I’ll enter the fray and match what God brings my way. So friends be warned, when you invite me for lunch, a walk, a call, a cruise (yes, this happened!), this introvert is going to say “yes!”
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