PreNote: The following I write not for sympathy, to self flagellate, or fishing for praise. The last few days I have struggled with self-criticism, self-doubt, insecurity, in a way I haven’t seen since young. This writing is my personal, very vulnerable process to face this attacker.
You, I haven’t seen in many, many years. You rip me apart, bit by bit, inside and out. Worthless, coward, empty, useless, nothing, ugly, old, grotesque, failure, hopeless, unwanted, unloved… these are the words of your torture. Hide, abandon, mute, disappear, are the paths you lead.
Randy did love me so, that you didn’t dare approach. Confidence from love has held me strong. So am I so fragile, that with the crumbling of Randy’s support, I crumble as well?
I am loveable. I am strong. I hold faith. I hold God. God holds me. I have beauty. I have opinions. I am inquisitive. I am interesting. I am useful. I am helpful. I am wanted.
So you, my attacker, may I be your friend? May we meet? Will you allow me to see your pain? May we embrace and love and learn to live together in peace?
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