Joy is a glorious, expanding state; wished for, arriving from faith, hope and love.
God has given me a taste of joy; coming in waves, just as grief still visits in waves.
But for me, fear accompanies joy. Joy promises a new life, here and beyond, when I want the old life, so comfortable and warm. My old life is gone. When Randy was called to eternity and passed over to his future, my life ended in a sense. The comfort, warmth, security, peace, and joy of who I was, all ended that day.
Time is revealing this reality, of why joy now scares me… I don’t want to let go of what was, to let go of the impossible dream. Yet, let go I must, to live. I choose life…
Goodbye again dear Randy… and now, goodbye sweet home; goodbye familiar routine; goodbye truck; goodbye Randy’s clothes; goodbye lunch dates; goodbye shared walks; goodbye shared bike rides; goodbye familiarity; goodbye companionship; goodbye love; goodbye dreams… so many goodbyes are arising for me.
So again, I am feeling this grief, crying these tears, and letting my heart break.
Joy is in sight, my Shepherd has gone ahead and prepared such glorious joy.
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