What am I clinging?

A Zen zoan that is central to life. I studied Zen and Buddhism for a few years in my past. At first this exploration was uncomfortable to me, a solidly believing Christian. But I’m naturally curious, and found the practice and thoughts of Zen to draw me in. The sitting still, watching thoughts come and go, was a freeing but challenging study in awareness. I learned to love this watching and the honesty that surrounded me.

Watching the thoughts glide past, isn’t as it seems. Many times they stick, like a nasty weed, scratching and irritating. Wait… is the thought sticking? or is it me holding this thought close? Not an easy answer. But my clingings were challenged. Just as God is jealous with “have no other God’s before me,” and challenges our everyday idolatries.

I cling to many things: relationships, money, home, cats, clothes, a comfy bed, food, quiet, freedom, sunshine. And beyond these, I cling to safety, peace, happiness, understanding, love.

This past year I have been challenged: do I cling to God? Sadly, no. I have many idols… I don’t want to type this, or say this, or acknowledge this, or feel this. But sitting and looking, this is truth for me. Death has stripped some idols bare, and alternatively increased my clinging to others. But having my being ripped open and set to die, has me clinging to God in a way never before. Yes God, this clinging to you is sincere, deep, honest, raw and needed. You’ve become my strength, the breath of my life. All the idols are giving me nothing in this moment.

I’m learning… I’m being taught

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