The first few months after the birth of my first child, I travailed through a mild shock: what just happened in my world? to my body? to my roles? to my sleep? Eventually, likely a year or two, my being settled into motherhood with contentment and warm love for this new human.
Today, and lately, I’m recognizing this phenomena again. Actually, I’m recognizing the calm that has settled within me; acceptance of life as it is. No longer on edge with continual shock and questioning, but a warm love for God and for myself. Loving myself? Yes, this self has survived unspeakable trauma, and yet I’m here now. And loving God? Absolutely, as Spirit has strengthened me, guarded me, so that I could survive and be here now.
Exhaustion envelopes me, I sleep solid ten to twelve hour nights, and take daily naps. Exhausted, my body and mind are just exhausted. Each morning I start with a plan of activity, yet I find that with one or two accomplishments, I’m wiped with no energy to continue. I welcome sleep and rest whenever it arrives.
These last seven months are a mystery to me. From the depths of death to this plateau of calm, I now look back and wonder what just happened? to my world? to me? to my husband? to my children? my family? These last seven months, I died too. My body is right here, but the Donna of December 15, 2020, the last day of an old life, well that Donna died. I remember the moment dying entered… walking down the toiletry aisle at the grocery, pushing an empty basket, sadness setting in, and an intuition… life will never be the same. I was struck in a moment that change, trauma, and death would forever alter my world. Randy had just been diagnosed with Covid; I most likely had Covid; my birthday plans and our Christmas plans all needed to be cancelled. Quarantine needed to start after this grocery run. That’s all my mind knew walking that aisle, but intuitively my being felt death creeping in. Deep sadness sprung up and became my companion.
Keep looking back Donna, you’re strong enough to look at this story. What happened? You can now finally look and maybe construe… what did happen. You can do this Donna...
Covid. Covid happened. Covid happened worldwide and in my family. Covid ravaged Randy’s body unto death. Randy had nothing within him strong enough to fight off Covid. The doctors had nothing strong enough to give Randy, so that Covid might be fought. First a tickle in his throat, then a cough, fever, fatigue, blood clotting in the lungs, infections, lungs struggling for breath, his heart struggling to pump against infected lungs, blood not flowing smoothly with a weak heartbeat and clotting blood, weakening organs, and the final straw… blood carrying clots to his brain… an onslaught of hail on a sharp yet vulnerable brain.
That’s what happened Donna; that’s the storm that entered Randy’s lungs and destroyed this family. I’m calmer for writing… for looking back and truly seeing.
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