This month of July has brought covid, and strep throat, and now pneumonia to my body. All exhausting and weakening.
This month of July has also brought a natural contracting, where rest, rest, an all encompassing rest is holding me.
Who knew that such a rest was needed? A stop to life for a bit, an objective overview, a seeing life as it is, a taking stock.
Alone, yet not lonely. Sick, yet strong in spirit. Quiet, yet so many changes.
This respite from searching, seeking, understanding, planning, figuring out, wondering… how to live, fit in this world; being painfully fractured yet needing to function; breathing while a bottomless hole drains any life force. The stopping of all this striving, just to stop and observe deeply… respite.
Calm… joy, peace, love, faith… CS Lewis coined Surprised by Joy, and this day Surprised by Healing is my song. Can this be? That ravenous agony is calm? The object of hope, faith doubting, has taken place? Where has that black hole gone? Where is the power of your sting, oh death? The constant companion, so familiar that I look for it on rising to contain it’s reach, is not to be found. Am I crazy to really be looking for it? Tempting God? Yet as I look, in it’s place… calm, peace, fullness.
Aaaaaahhh….. deep breaths in and out, healing spreading through and through.
This month of July, in contrast to illness, has brought healing… still a continued not knowing, yet full of promise. All has been set down at the throne: death has loosened my grip on so much, and loosened the graspings on me. And that pilgrim’s pack of boulders, the widow’s heart of agony?
Calm…
Gratitude…
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ps…. I AM healing with new medication, and starting to feel much better physically!
The Survivor 