Life… do you ever wake up and just say I want to live, I want life! This might be a strange statement for most, but for me, I have wanted the past for so long, that I haven’t really pursued life… life now.
Something has sparked. How many days are left for me on this earth? Am I going to spend those days with the mindset that anything bad that can happen, will happen, has happened? Or am I going to believe, BELIEVE, that the source of my life, my God, has real life left for me?
When you lose a life that you loved… how do you let go and not keep wishing for it’s return? This has been my quandary for 3 years now. How do I let that life go… completely? For I do hold on to so much, hoping to wake one day and find it’s all a horrid nightmare. But no, the losses are reality, the death is real, the changes are here with me every day. And this is my crux, do I focus on what is lost, or do I focus on what is possible, or do I focus on what is now?
No guilt here, for to even loosen the grip of past a bit, healing must take place. In the throes of ripping and bleeding, all that can be done is screaming the pain. Yet with some healing, a letting loose is finding me. And with a loosening of past’s grip, is a fresh look at life now.
Consuming pain.. the pain of widowhood, in reality the pain of such deep loss and ripping of my being, has been overwhelming for me. This pain made me so self focused, as I needed to find a way to survive. But as healing soothes, my focus looks out, and wonders where I fit in this world. My God says there is a plan for me, for us all, but that plan is unknown to me. So I listen and look and wonder… what is the plan now, today? Until the path opens, I will believe that God has a life for me now.
Believe, believe, believe…
© Copyright 2021-2024 DonnaTheSurvivor; All rights reserved. No portion of this work/blog may be duplicated or copied without the expressed written consent of the author.
The Survivor 