Justification… Righteousness… Purified… Cleansed… Washed in His blood… White as snow… Forgiven… As if I never sinned… A Savior on a cross… The God on a cross…
All these are foundational theological premises for those who believe that Jesus saved us from eternal separation, and became our way to eternal connection with God.
Yet… in humble and fearful respect… these premises are challenging to incorporate into my being. My mind rolls them around and they have softened edges from this tumbling, yet they are still rocks of my faith that don’t absorb into my being. My mind stands on these rocks, in trust and faith, that they hold me amidst the sinking of this world.
So what does faith mean to me then? If standing on these foundational rocks is not feeding the core of my being? What is life without something that reaches deeply within and heals and strengthens and supports and guides and above all… loves me?
I’ve heard it said that this earth was created because the creator wanted: wanted connection, wanted to share life, wanted to share love…
I’ve heard it said that those first humans walked with God, chatted with God, and had a deep connection with God… They knew no different… Waking, working, absorbing, loving in the glorious garden that God created for… for man and for God… a meeting place where both man and God did connect, where life flowed, where love abounded. Can you imagine? Can you see yourself there waking daily with God? With life filling every cell of your being, even your spirit?
This… this is what I desire more than anything… this communing with my God, this sharing life with my God, this love of my God abounding… This is life before the fall, and this is life awaiting our future… Yet, NOW, what does all this faith and theology offer for NOW…
Everyone has a Waterloo… not sure who said this originally, but I say this frequently now. Everyone will face a moment of now, that asks of them why they wake, why they walk each step, why they love, why they strive, why live this life? When my Waterloo ripped me apart, I found nothing, absolutely nothing within me, within this earth, that could reach deeply within and heal my wounds, nothing that could fill me with love and adventure and engagement and love. Nothing…
Pain showed me that nothing gave me life, nothing that I could see or hear or taste or feel or smell… nothing. Left to myself and this earth, I shriveled and anguished and died. Yes, I was on the doorstep of death, one step away from giving up all. Yes, I woke day after day, not wanting to wake to the bleeding pain of life… going through motions, yet dead within. This is what a Waterloo can do… this is the crux of our beings… this is the moment of moments…
… breathe …
Life… what do I want? life? does it even matter what I want? is what I want even possible? or does engulfing pain never end? Life… what is life really? beyond the waking, eating, dressing, working, steps of each day? As Job, I just collapsed in screaming lamentations, releasing the overwhelming pain… authentically wrestling with God, while others talk of God. What’s the point of all this effort when life leads to a concealed, yet squished bloody mess?
Yet something within, a force arose, pushing… Live Donna, Live… That force is strong in us humans, and strong within me. Live... not knowing the whys, the hows, the what’s next… just live. This force sought the smiles of life, the laughter of life to strengthen. This force led me to a home where I could heal and took me away from a home that buried me in pain. This life force… love… And when love reached deep within, love guided, love supported, love comforted, love healed. Not the love of another… not the love of myself… not the love of those lost… but the deep deep love that is a force, my life force.
Love… many meanings, varied expressions… Yet the source of love? A fundamental, pure love? A love deeper than all the loves of earth… A love that brings life… A love that heals… A love that guides each step… A love that holds tight… A love that protects… A love that is life itself… Our breath in, our breath out… Our life force that breaths into us, and absorbs our breathing out of all the death that lies in wait…
This force, this being, this love… This is justification, now… This is righteousness, now… This is forgiveness, now… This is being washed clean, now… this is being covered by the blood, now… this is the love that flowed when the Creator had the first inkling to create, now…
Theology may still be rocks tumbling in my brain, a bit confused; yet love, the great life force love, the eternal connection, has reached deeply within…
My God; My Creator; My dear Father; My holy holy holy God; My Jesus who brought tangible love; My dear dear Spirit who brings this love to live within…
My love… thank you…
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The Survivor 