With Me Always

Today a grief shock hit me… I received a letter and pics from the new residents of my old haunted house. So very lovely to see a sweet family enjoying the home and garden… Such a shock to my system of the loss, this house is no longer mine. Screams and agony escaped my being.

That with Randy’s 65th birthday coming up this week, a day that loomed large in our lives for so long. Now, this day is approaching and I sense a big part of me wanting to run, run, run… I don’t want to live this day without Randy, I don’t want to live another milestone with the deep loss it opens, I don’t want the scars picked at again.

Yet holding time still is not of this earth, and this day was bound to arrive, with or without him. We had so many plans for our lives after his retirement at his 65th birthday. Now, I have no plans… except to breathe and survive and live each day with my God.

So a walk called me, in this beautiful forest, to the lounging rock I’ve discovered. Settling there, absorbing the trees, dead and alive, the chirping birds and the floating clouds… I calmed. Two happenstance things happened while at my lounging rock… happenstance, no, miraculous… Spirit reaching to me, comforting me.

My phone dinged with the verse of the day… the Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures… _{psalm 23} I looked around, for my lounging rock is settled in the midst of a beautiful green meadow. Spirit… dear Spirit giving me tangible evidence that He is guiding me, with me.

Then lounging on this serene rock in the midst of a peaceful pasture, absorbing the reality and love of my God, a hummingbird flicked past and settled on a branch above me. Settled, still, twisting it’s head occasionally, and calm for over 45 minutes. A hummingbird, still and calm! Now here that is a miracle, for they are always twitting back and forth, with their cheerful chirping. He and I just lounged, eyeing each other, taking in the presence that we brought to the other. He brought me peace… comfort… dear Spirit is truly with me. I spoke peace to this bird. When he finally flew off, he came closer to me, flew in place looking at me, then flew away. We each said thank you, then go in peace.

A hard day… my wounds broke open again.

A healing day… Spirit showing me comfort and presence.

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