Rumination for me, is typically holding the negatives to find sense and peace. When confounded, rumination stirs until equilibrium calms.
Yesterday hiking with a friend, as the dead trees kept standing out to me, rumination of death and change and loss took hold. This forest is decaying, so many trees downed these last couple of years, more open spaces with limbs and debris. Will this still be a forest in a few years? My mind rattled on…
Look at all the baby trees my friend exclaims! What! I had to stop and force myself to see the new life abounding around us. And there they were, popping up amongst the decay. As I sit here this morning absorbing the familiar around me, the baby trees now draw my eye…
Typically the negative is foremost in thought… personality that always is on guard, protecting, solving the issues that plague. But… what if life is allowed to enter, the new, the baby, the regrowth, the rebirths, the promise, the possible… I’m imagining that joy wouldn’t be far behind!
Pessimist vs optimist? Maybe so, but deeper in that for me, is fear. Change, decay, represent such loss to me, what was is no longer; life will never be wonderful as it once was. For me fear sets in, this present is sad, any future will just be a continuation of that sadness.
Yet today I sense hope… did I just say that? Hope has been the holy grail, the jackpot of the rainbow, the never seen yet desired beyond all, alluding me always. My quest since death: how to hope amidst such agonizing pain and loss and breaking. And yet, this day, this journey, this search has brought me to an unseen hope… look at all the baby trees!
Biblically we are given so many promises of hope, joy, future. These I’ve held in a blind faith, with lots of doubt that they are for me personally. Yet today I am touched, personally, with hope that is new and exciting and full of life. May I carry this new seeing with each step of life…
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