Crashes seem to follow the good times… Last weekend I spent glorious time with a dear friend, wrapped in the comfort of her home, the safety of loved ones, the arms of love. The noises and touch and shared hearts, I soaked as a sponge, a bone dry sponge that needed my loved ones.
The thing is… I return home and the sponge is dry, depleted, yet remembers the fullness of love. I sink… I crash… I give up… How long will life be so lonely? empty? without purpose?
The first 2 years of grief were filled with striving and hope… if I find activity, people, my life will fill again. So while facing the inner implosion, releasing the tension, I stayed busy with activity and people, holding hope for a future.
Then year 3… I truly believed that by year 3, life would be full of purpose and love and connection and people. Diligently facing all that arose within and without, healing would find me. And yes, I can say, the fullness of God has filled the grief stricken being I was. Yet, continuing in life is two-fold: healing and purpose. Healing has found me… Purpose has not.
So being in year 3 still with no purpose or people or connection, disillusionment has found me. Disillusionment with exhaustion. I quit. I give up. I have no idea how to fill my days in a way that is meaningful to my being. The filling of love from a friend was amazing in the moment, yet has left me realizing again how much my daily life is missing.
I’ve read this from other widows too… we believe that by year 3 we will be engaged in life again as healed beings. Yet, when year 3 arrives and we are still lost? Hope is lost.
Today… today was a day I crashed. The reality of all this sunk in deep. Just give up Donna, why continue the struggle for just another day of emptiness? Sobs and sleep led to numbness. Hope depleted. Strength exhausted. Vision gone dark.
Through this all a small nudge said… text them! Someone who I don’t understand. Someone who seems not interested. Someone I don’t know well. Someone I have wanted to know better. Someone kind and thoughtful. I texted… tea and chats on my deck for 2 hours… I felt seen and heard… a sliver of hope and strength and vision.
Joshua wanted to give up, after leading a group of people into a defeat. Why try? Just give up? Yet God said, don’t be afraid or discouraged, arise again… with me, for I will give all to you. Joshua 8:1 paraphrased
Arise… again… with God… purpose does exist! Life is not meant to be empty! This sliver of hope with strength, is enough for today. Tomorrow is still empty. Vision still eludes. Purpose hides. Yet hope with strength have found me once again.
I choose to believe…
Arise… again… with God…
© Copyright 2021-2024 DonnaTheSurvivor; All rights reserved. No portion of this work/blog may be duplicated or copied without the expressed written consent of the author.
The Survivor 