Defeat

Everything was just going wrong today. I exaggerate, not everything, but enough to defeat me. A day outing with gal friends was cancelled because of this steamy, rainy weather. Then I realized that I made a small mistake with big consequences, on legal paperwork, and now I get to have combat with the IRS.

Defeated… I just wanted to curl up and sleep away the day, week, month, year…

Death has weakened me. Where I faced most obstacles with zeal, I now force myself to endure and then crash. In crashing, today I turned to a relished treat, cherry coke and lobster rolls. Two lobster rolls in fact. They weren’t as delightful as I typically find them, but they did help me to keep moving.

In true Donna fashion, I decided to put all the difficult projects in one day. This afternoon, I tackled the closet, and cleared out most of Randy’s things. Betrayal kept nagging me, how dare I remove Randy’s clothes! Betrayal: by living… by moving forward… by removing the dead from life. But reality is (as I needed to keep reminding myself), that these clothes were for a body that is just ashes now. I endured the betrayal with tears, moans, agony, and “I’m sorry Randy; I’m sorry Randy; I’m sorry Randy…”

This day is winding down; I survived. Survivor. I need sleep. God… may I join the living tomorrow.

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