“The time is fulfilled, and the kingdom of God has come near. Repent and believe the good news! ”Mark 1:15
My back to death, my face to life… This was my rally cry at the point of death. A way out of that valley and back into life, was my hope. No concept of where this path would lead. No concept of how to live with the pain. No concept of how to leave my love lying there in that room. No concept of how to turn. Crumbling as I walked out of that hospital. Being held and led by his nurse, I just mumbled in numbness You can do this, you can do this, you can do this... then I CAN’T DO THIS, collapsing again.
This was the great repentance of my life! After spending 2 or more hours holding the hand of my passed beloved, a dilemma arose within; I want to sit here forever and never leave this moment… yet… this moment was ending and life was nudging me. That moment, that deep shift within, was the hardest moment in my entire life. No I don’t want to leave death, this body that I’ll never set eyes on again, NOOOOO… Yet nurses needed to perform tasks, a funeral home driver was on their way, this body was not squeezing my hand but turning yellow in complete stillness.
Repentance… a turning around, a choosing different, the valley of decision, a paradigm shift of will, a leaving behind with an embracing ahead… At that moment of decision, I repented of the old life, the marriage, and I stood. Good bye my love, and thank you. I walked out…
Over the years, repentance has always had a connotation for me of leaving behind something harmful and evil and bad; an addiction or vice or bad habit. An archaic, condemning, biblical word. Yet now I know repentance… an internal shift flowing from a decision of choosing what I will believe. I no longer believe that I’m married to this amazing man; I no longer believe that death is for others and never me or mine; I no longer will believe swirling lies taunting in my mind, that criticize and tear me down; I no longer will believe deceit that teases harmful as pleasure; I no longer believe that I can be a little god and achieve whatever I wish… Our wills are strong, yet can never control from where the wind arrives, or where it blows!
For I have repented, good news will I believe, after having seen the deceit of self power, the deceit that humans can create a loving world, the deceit that we humans are in control, the deceit that I am in control. For I see these deceits as incredibly powerful lies to keep us from truth, joy, love, from our God.
And good news? Despite all the deceit and struggle and pain we live among, love will hold us, nourish us, comfort us, be with us through it all. And by all the mysterious, spiritual, seen and unseen ways, Jesus has reunited us with our God. Here and now, God is with us… His Kingdom of loving us, being with us, while trusting Him and His ways, is near…
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The Survivor 