Quiet, Noisy House

Packing, clearing, organizing… going through every closet, drawer, shelf, cupboard… I’m preparing to leave this old house for a new house. This old house is full of life, an old life of children, hubby, laughs, shouts, love, all of which are silenced now. These memories have been achingly painful for me to tolerate, and I’ve needed to leave several times to escape the pain of them.

The miraculous is that these last ten weeks I have been living in this house, alone, and finding a healing path through the grief. I fought this aloneness, foreseeing anguish and collapse in being here with the old life. But truly, these last ten weeks have been miraculous, up and down, lonely and sad, grieving, but miraculous. Healing has found me and delivered me to this plateau of calm, acceptance, hope. The haunting of the old life is fading, or rather transmuting, to dear memories. After months of averting all pictures of Randy, I’m able now to look at his pictures and feel love and gratefulness. Rummaging through drawers, finding totems of his adventurous life, the grief doesn’t overwhelm me and I reminisce the wonders of his life.

Have I told you about Randy? I must, as he was such an inspiration for me. Adventure… that’s Randy. I can, and do, often sit home in contented solitude and regroup. Randy woke each morning with excitement… a new day ahead, what adventure calls? His enthusiasm for life energized my enthusiasm, and we would go out and explore this world. What fun times we had together… With joy, I now remember those moments. And Randy loved people, so very opposite me who avoids people. He was excited by their stories, smiles, energy. And me… Randy loved me… truly. My ugly moments, challenging moments, shameful moments… he saw me in those moments and held me close, understanding that struggles sometimes drove me to shame. His love showed me that I could be loved… truly.

So here I sit in this quiet house of noisy memories, finally looking at them and feeling such gratefulness. Thank you Randy for choosing me to share your life. Thank you children for the joys you brought my heart. Thank you God for the love you gave us all for each other.

Goodbye Randy, I trust your adventures in heaven are more exhilarating than I’ll ever imagine. Goodbye childhood my children, I know your adult lives will be an adventure for your hearts. Goodbye house, you’ve held my family dear.

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