Ten Months

Ten Months… counting in hours, then days, then weeks, now months, and soon years. My love taken from this earth, on to a new adventure; my family’s hearts broke, in the grips of grief.

Acceptance, not liking in any way, but acceptance that this is the path of our lives. Acceptance has settled into our beings; the old life gone to never return, a new life unfolding.

As I sit here… I see beautiful pines on a mountainside, gold wintered grasses, a blue shiny sky. So here, I sit and take account. Ten months… how did I survive? I’m here, surviving the unsurvivable, a tattered stuffed animal sewn back with crooked stitches. This is Donna… I see you Donna… I see the transformation that your being has undergone.

December 2020 was the beginning of the end for Randy. With a joyful Thanksgiving behind and a complete physical showing great health, December 2020 promised to be a joy. Christmas, birthday, family gatherings, celebrations all anticipated in the upcoming weeks.

Yet covid lurked. Do I blame covid, the instrument of death? Do I blame evil for it’s twisted smirk at death and pain? Do I blame Adam and Eve for succumbing to disobedience? Do I blame God for allowing evil on earth? Do I blame God for allowing the breaking of all our hearts? Do I blame doctors? politicians? Randy? me? Blame is a finger that can point in many directions, but blame I’ll not let you take hold.

Again… here, I take account. Randy survives in a different form and realm; I choose to believe that he thrives. I have no dreams, visitations, anything that says to me he’s around here trying to connect. Randy is on a grand, glorious adventure and I envy his peace and joy.

My children have returned to their daily lives, thriving in their endeavors, healing in their souls. They are busy and I see little of them, yet our love endures and holds the other.

Me… I am okay. Daily chores, activities, and chats, all keep me very busy. This new house and community are truly becoming home, refreshing me with peace. And the taboo of widows… wanting a new partner. We are to be consumed with love for our dear lost ones and never need another. Truth is, I will always miss, love, and want Randy back; yet I also want a companion now. In this challenging world, Randy showed me the joy and comfort of a companion. Yes this admittance is taboo… but reality.

And God… this survival would be just a mirage if not for God strengthening, holding, comforting, guiding through every moment. My adoration of God has deepened, for He has proven to be the protector of this widow.

Ten months… I celebrate life, breath, food, love, God, joy, peace, healing, and YOU…

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