It’s Been a While

…a while since I’ve written. So Good Morning dear people!

The one year milestone was a marker for me. The accomplishment of surviving one year was huge… when these tragedies hit in life, they feel unbearable and unsurvivable. So that I reached one year still breathing, was a feat I had hoped for.

But beyond surviving, the one year milestone brought a crash that was unexpected, at least by me. My being realized that truly, truly, Randy is not here on earth. That my life is to be lived without Randy. That Randy’s laugh, touch, presence is no longer to be mine. That I come home to a house that’s quiet with just me. That I go out alone, unaccompanied by a sweet kiss goodbye. That my life is now just ME waking, sleeping, going and returning.

Now this all surprised me as I believed that I had crossed this threshold of acceptance. And yet, grief is surprising. Here I was again, and now with a much deeper acceptance in my being. A crash… and yet further acceptance… and exhaustion.

Yes, exhaustion! Surprised by exhaustion? Yes, this collapse has surprised me. I have been sleeping for days, only wrangling energy for the events that are needed. This being is completely and utterly exhausted, not an ounce of energy. Not depression, but pure exhaustion following a year of loss. Grappling with reality when reality is shock, just requires every bit of energy found in my being. And I used it all to survive.  I survived.

So now, I’m full of no’s, unless urgent, I’ll sleep. Strength is returning, physically and internally. Acceptance has laid a foundation for building, constructing. I want life. I want love. I want purpose. These all take strength, and I’m now resting thoroughly. One day, not today, but one day forward movement will begin.

As I sit here, I’m sitting in the warmth of the sun looking upon a beautiful snow covered forest. Beauty… is healing and restoring. As I write, I remember how writing brings me release of tension and joy. Aah joy, joy brings smiles to my sleepy face.

May God continue to protect and guide me on this walk…

May God continue to protect and guide all the people of our world as we spin together through space…

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