Pain

How do you humans hold pain?

This continues to be a curiosity, a quest, for me.

In the moments of relief and rest, I joyfully acknowledge the power of God to comfort and still the pain.

In the moments of torment, I scream, walk, cry, pray, write, releasing tension until the pain intensity subsides.

In the daily gnawing of lingering pain, I distract … or… I look pain square in the eye asking how long it deems to gnaw parasitically on my energy. Then I embrace and comfort pain as the broken little girl she is.

Thankfully I don’t typically turn to alcohol or drugs. This in itself is a blessing of strength from God, for I do comprehend how humans turn to these numbing agents.

I do tell myself stories…. if I can just hang on long enough, God will bring me a new partner in life to fill this void. These stories may seem innocent, but they draw me into a reality that doesn’t exist. I need to stay with the reality of the truth of this moment… My Randy passed, I have no partner on earth, this ripping apart hurts, I miss my Randy, I miss being a partner.

Then the reality that change is built into life and I will change, the pain will change. There is hope in change… hope that God loves me, and sees me, and understands me, and wants love to fill me… hope that healing will complete it’s process.

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