A bit of a crash… triggered, grief burst, steps backwards, emotional exhaustion, soul exhaustion… Many names, but the reality is sadness and pain overcoming me lately. Further still, is me desperately wanting Randy back with me on earth.
This is the nature of my grief… it settles and calms, then strikes again. Grief, are you trying to undo me? Will you ever relent?
Traveling is a pure joy of mine, yet without Randy, travel holds little appeal. Watching friends travel to exotic places, far or near, fills me with longing. Remembering the joy Randy and I had with those travels, I want those days back. There’s so much I want back… and yet again, Randy is not returning to me.
Since the day Randy left me, I’ve pursued many things, and have reconstructed a life that brings me LIFE. This new life is LIFE for me. Yet in this funk, I only want the days of old… I’d give all this back if I could just have the days of old.
This isn’t the quick sinking that often hits, but a slow build of pressure that is now bursting this being. Please God, hold me tight… I’m scattered, playing, searching, lost…
Embarrassingly I admit, that I’ve been thinking of replacing Randy. But that’s the mistake, Randy will never be replaced, he is a pure joy! But is companionship possible? My days bring no companionship, so I courageously signed in to online dating and found rejection to be rampant. Seeing all those lonely faces, I was a bit repulsed and heartbroken combined. Receiving no feedback was crushing. My soul yearns for companionship, yet that search, that path, is a path full of rejection, which leads me to unworthiness.
This morning my focus is on those beautiful eyes of Jesus, guiding me through the stormy waves of life. In those eyes I find no rejection, unworthiness. In those eyes is a seeing through and through, a love through and through, a strength through and through.
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The Survivor 
I finally signed up for your blog. You write well. Expressing your thoughts will certainly help you.
I’ve never found the comfort with anyone that you found with your husband. In that way you’ve been fortunate, extremely fortunate.
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Oh my, I’m a bit embarrassed when friends read my blog… It’s intimate, vulnerable and raw, yet a great release for me. Thanks for reading. A good fit in partners is rare, and I do consider myself fortunate to have had that.
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These ups and downs are not unusual but they sure can knock you down. It’s hard to pick up and go on but it will happen. Prayers for you and hope you find some relief soon.
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💗
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That feeling of moving forward, but just wanting to go backwards. Nothing can be truly exciting again. Meeting interesting people again but none of them are your person that fit just right.
Hope you can hold on through this wave until it subsides temporarily and you can breathe for a little while x
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❤️❤️
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