Siren’s Call

What is going on? Where am I? How did I get here?  These bewilderments pour out of me with tears of agony.

Disorientation accompanies death… and visits me so unexpectedly.

After the first year of engulfing grief, and the second year of numb rebuilding, this third year is bringing a settled sense of this is life now. Yet, this settled is not comforting, not reassuring. This settled is AGH, how did I get here, where am I, what’s happening?

Life has ended… yet… life continues. A life too empty to endure _{(Owensby, Finding God in the Messy Places.)}

As I contemplate just giving up, living in a continued numbness, a spark strikes… before ending everything, set sail on a grand adventure, what’s there to lose… these words have always lurked in my being, never envisioning that they would be for me. Yet, as I sit in the shock of disorientation this morning, this spark is igniting adventure, which is igniting hope.

Future is a blank page, asking me what I want… what will I write… will I let the pages blow with the wind, tossed by all around me. What grand adventure, what siren’s call echoes within? Today… not tomorrow. Right now?

God has reached me in this isolation, disorientation, abandonment…

God has reached me…

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