Surviving

Here, I sense the seasons changing, with summer slipping away and autumn easing in. Shorter days, the sun’s rays have tilted, the temperatures cooling, flowers slowing, plants fading… the glory of color and brightness and heat is fading to muted tones and cooling senses.

My being is wearied… after a summer of pneumonia, and resting, I don’t have the stamina to face life. Fullness of God continues to fill the bleak, dark hole of death… a true miracle. Yet my soul is sad and lonely… The excitement and vibrancy of life elude me, still existing in survival mode.

Shame shrouds as I say this, self shame that I should be stronger or believe more fully, be more thankful and value all that I have… perceived shame so that I bottle this up and hide it away.

I don’t have answers for me or for you… I trust that there’s a reason the life force pushes us onward, and that God has purpose for all under this sun.

Yet alone, living alone so disconnected from humanity, purpose and vitality dissipate for me. There’s something so very filling in sharing life with a partner, I’m used to that filling, and still have not adjusted to living alone. Many widows write of this aloneness that leads to loneliness that leads to emptiness, this is not new with me. So many widows agonize silently, wondering if life will ever return for them. Some find new partners and purpose, others choose to hold their lost partner tightly living in memories, some live in children or grandchildren, or friends or causes.

What have I chosen going forward? Rather, in this now? Going forward is a mystery, an unknown to me, a concept that I just don’t grasp. So looking at now, I have chosen to learn of my God, to get to know my God, and listen and hopefully follow. This is where my heart yearns, my brain believes, my soul hopes, and my spirit leads.

Life? Vibrancy? Passion? Love? My dear God will provide as I need…

I will give your life to you as a prize in all places, wherever you go. _{Jeremiah 45:5}

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