18 Months

August 1st was the 18 month milestone of my dear Randy passing. 18 months… a year and a half… A lifetime ago… days and days of pain…

Life is better for me now.. a bit easier to walk and live without my tangible Beloved supporting, encouraging, loving, and holding. A glorious forest wakes me with sunshine brightening the day and brightening me. Sweet neighbors embrace me with movies, walks, bike rides, chats, games, meals, and love. Helping the local hospice with their database and computer work, has brought a bit of helpfulness to this world. Sitting on my deck, pondering many, many things, brings comfort and strength. Sleeping on my deck brings peace.

Typical here, a thunderstorm rolls in most afternoons. I watch the billowing white clouds float in, slowly filling the sky. Spirit fills my being as these clouds fill the sky… slowly rolling in, bringing life to this empty, dry soul of mine.

Establishing in a new town, new home, new environment…  I’m feeling a bit more established as I look back on these 18 months. Donna is finding herself once again: the strength, the honesty, the boldness, the love, the inquisitiveness, the searching of my being, from days of old to now all continue to live within this being. Connection is healing, the Donna of young, the Donna as wife, the Donna that mothered, and now the Donna who lives… all connecting within this being of today.

At 18 months, the gnawing struggle for me now, is living with pain. Pain stifles living… And yet, pain persists amongst the living. Pain is within me still, in different forms, and I see that pain lives with most of us here as we walk this earth.  So how shall I wake each morning with joy for the day? with excitement to engage the people around me? with contentedness for each moment that comes my way? How to live, maybe even live fully, while pain gnaws on my being?

The answers elude me.

Our creator knows how to reach each of us in a meaningful way. This I hold true. And our God has strengthened me over and over these last 18 months. How? This I don’t really understand, but strength I have received. So for me, I hold dearly to my God… begging and pleading each day for help to reach me and to reach each of you. And as I walk my daily Garden of Eden walk with my God, I search to see and hear and understand… but most of all to connect. For this God has promised to be my Savior, best friend, husband, comforter, shepherd, counselor, guide, and on and on. So this God I wish to know… know truly.

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