Often heard in my circles is to Be Thankful! That thankfulness and gratitude bring an open, loving heart that refocuses the pained and angry heart. There’s some truth in that, but it’s never settled well with me.
When I’ve looked back at the loss, all the loss from death, it has brought pain… an immense, overwhelming, engulfing pain that sitting through has taken years. So often I didn’t look back at all the good that was there, for the pain of loss filled me in those moments.
Yet yesterday rejection and insecurity and unlovableness was attacking me… how can I be so unlovable? What is wrong with me? Will this be my forever on earth?
And what came to heart? Remembering the love that Randy had for me… He loved me through and through! I searched the moments that showed his love for me, and held those memories close, repeating Randy loved me, Randy was able to love me, Randy chose to love me, Randy freely and joyously loved me…
For once, I needed those memories, and they brought comfort and strength for today… And with those memories, the gratitude flowed…
Gratitude, thankfulness… flowing from a loved, healing heart…
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The Survivor 